By a Moment
by pari106
Summary: Using "Hanging by a Moment" by Lifehouse. Z/M/L. While an old song plays, two men think about the woman they love. And the woman who loves them both considers a decision.


By a Moment  
by pari106  
  
pari106@hotmail.com  
http://www.geocities.com/pari106/damain.html  
  
Code: M/Z and M/L; Rating: PG?; Disclaimer: Dark Angel and all characters related belong to Cameron,   
Eglee, and FOX. "Hanging by a Moment" is by Lifehouse.  
  
Summary: As an old song plays, two men think about the woman they love. And they're thought of by the   
woman who loves them both.  
  
A/N: Has this sort of thing been overdone? Is it cheesy? Let me know. Thanks.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Hanging by a Moment  
  
Desperate for changing  
starving for truth  
Closer to where I started   
I'm chasing after you  
  
I'm falling even more in love with you  
letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you  
  
Forgetting all I'm lacking  
Completely incomplete  
I'll take your invitation  
you take all of me  
now…  
  
I'm falling even more in love with you  
letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you  
  
I'm living for the only thing I know  
I'm running, not quite sure where to go  
and I don't know what I'm stepping into  
Just hanging by a moment here with you  
  
There's nothing else to lose  
There's noting else to find  
There's nothing in this world  
That can change my mind  
  
There is nothing else…  
there is nothing else…  
There is nothing else  
  
Desperate for changing  
starving for truth  
closer to where I started  
I'm chasing after you  
  
I'm falling even more in love with you  
letting go of all I've held onto  
I'm standing here until you make me move  
Hanging by a moment here with you  
  
I'm living for the only thing I know  
I'm running, not quite sure where to go  
and I don't know what I'm stepping into  
just hanging by a moment here with you  
  
Just hanging by a moment  
  
hanging by a moment…  
hanging by a moment…  
hanging by a moment, here with you.  
  
  
  
By a Moment  
  
I'm sitting here at the usual table in Crash. It's pretty late at night – or is that, early in the morning? And   
no one but the regular insomniacs remain. Including me.  
  
Sketchy, and Herbal, and Original left a long time ago. And I'm sitting here, just now realizing that they're   
gone. I vaguely remembered having told them goodbye, but mostly I just haven't been paying attention.  
  
I've had other things on my mind.  
  
Other people.  
  
Like Logan. And Zack. Logan and Zack.  
  
Me and Logan and Zack. I've been seeing them both.  
  
And it's been eating me up inside, but I can't seem to stop. I can't seem to choose. Logan? Or Zack? I   
can't pick one or the other, because the truth is I love both. I choose both.  
  
But I know that this can't be right. I can't just have both of them. It's a miracle that I've found love with   
either of them.  
  
They're both gorgeous – blonde hair and blue eyes, though Zack is clean-shaven, blue jeans and leather jackets.   
Logan is two-day stubble and tailored suits. They're both brave and stubborn and smart. And in love with   
me.   
  
How can they love me? How can they love this mixed up, genetic mess that is me?   
  
How can I not love them both?  
  
I came here to sit and think about that. To figure out what I'm going to do. But I haven't figured anything   
out.  
  
So I'm just sitting here at the usual table in Crash.  
  
Then this song starts to play. It's Pre-Pulse night about this time every week, and this rock song that's   
playing is one of my favorite oldies. Particularly now as I listen to the words.  
  
My eyes tear up as I realize how appropriate the lyrics are to my situation.  
  
"Desperate for changing…"  
  
That's what I want. For something to change. For something or someone to make the choice for me.   
Because, dear God, I can't choose for myself. I can't hurt one man I love in order to be with the other. But   
at the same time, I dread having the choice made by anyone. Because eventually a choice will be made. If   
not by me or Logan or Zack, then just by Fate. And either way the wind turns, I'll lose one of them.  
  
"starving for truth…"  
  
I just want to know what's right. What do I do? Who do I choose? Do I have to? It's wrong to do this to   
both of them – to ask them both to be there for me, knowing about the other.  
  
"closer to where I started..."  
  
I know that. I know all the reasons why what I'm doing is wrong. But like always, I can't seem to stop. I   
can't seem to choose. Zack? Or Logan? I can't pick one or the other because I need them both. I choose   
them both.  
  
  
"…chasing after you.  
  
I'm falling even more in love with you…"  
  
I'm lying here in my shitty little apartment, about a block over from that club Max likes. Crash. I set this   
little one-room up for my stays in Seattle.  
  
And I'm just staring up at the ceiling, with one window open, listening to the sounds of city life outside.   
Using those ultrasensitive ears of mine to zero in on the sounds coming from Crash. Knowing that she's   
there. Max.  
  
And I'm trying not to think about her. I think about her too often now. Hell, I think about her all the time.   
But I can't seem to stop myself.  
  
'A good soldier knows when to accept defeat.'  
  
Now this song is starting to play. Some pre-Pulse rock song, and I can just make it out. And it's not in me   
to appreciate sappy love songs. I'm a soldier. Soldiers don't listen to sappy love songs.  
  
But soldiers don't pine their lives away over a woman, either. And the song doesn't sound so sappy.  
  
And somehow I find myself listening to the lyrics, regardless. And they're eerily appropriate.  
  
"letting go of all I've held onto…"  
  
I've let go of everything I thought was important before I hooked up with Max. Duty. Discipline.   
Mission.  
  
My duty was to keep my X5 brothers and sisters safe. But thoughts of Max distract me. The desire to stay   
here, with her, distracts me, and puts them in danger. But I stay anyhow.  
  
I was trained to be disciplined. Keep your emotions in check, soldier. Don't get too close. Don't let your   
guard down. Don't let anyone in. Don't let anything get past you. Don't let anything shake you.  
  
Max shakes me to the bone.  
  
When I'm with her I can't keep anything in check. She was already too close, before we even hooked back   
up again. So there wasn't even any question of letting guards down – she'd blown them all away long ago.   
And now she's inside me. A part of me – my mind and my heart. My soul, if I have one. She got inside   
me, under my skin, and I didn't even see it coming until she was there.  
  
I didn't see anything but my mission. To take care of the X5s. That included getting Max out of Seattle.   
But she refused to leave. And so I stayed, instead.  
  
I told Tinga it was foolish getting involved with Charlie. I told Zane it was crazy putting down roots just so   
Lydecker can tear them up.  
  
But here I am, putting down roots. Every day I spend in Seattle; every time I think of Max while I'm   
travelling outside of Washington; every time I return to her – that's a new root.  
  
Now I doubt I can tear them even if I wanted to.  
  
And I should. I should leave. I should hurt her so she won't wait for me to come back, and just leave. I'm   
capable of it. I should be capable of it. I'm a goddamned fucking soldier. I was made to hurt people. But   
I don't do it. I can't. Not to Max. I can't leave.  
  
I abandoned my rules. My duty and discipline; my mission. All my misgivings about settling down,   
accepting the 'sentimental lie'. All my pride. Knowing every time Max is by my side, in my company, in   
my bed, that she's just going to back to Logan eventually…it fucking kills me. But I let go of my pride.  
  
I let go of all of it because I love her.  
  
  
"I'm standing here until you make me move…"  
  
And I know I'll keep loving her. For as long as she'll let me. I'll keep letting go of everything else so that   
I can be with her. Just to spend some time with her. Just for those fleeting moments when she's mine –   
just mine. Because I need her that much.  
  
I'll keep letting go of everything else, so I can keep holding on to her. Holding onto my time with Max.  
  
"Just hanging by a moment, here with you…  
  
Forgetting all I'm lacking  
  
Completely incomplete…"  
  
Max doesn't care about the things I lack. Money, culture. I'm not Logan. I don't listen to classical music.   
I don't smile easy. I don't say I love you in the daylight. She forgets about those things, and she helps me   
forget.   
  
She helps me forget how incomplete I am. I'm not some heartless automaton, like Lydecker wanted, but   
I'm not a whole man, either. I've got scars and I've got nightmares and I've got this huge hole inside of me   
where a whole man's heart would be. But, little by little, Maxie is filling that hole. Making me less   
incomplete.  
  
"I'll take your invitation..."  
  
How can I resist her? All she does for me, everything she is. How can I resist it? Why would I want to?   
Besides, there's nothing in me left to resist.  
  
She's taken it all, with her big, brown eyes and her ability to make me feel whole.  
  
"You take all of me…"  
  
  
I can't just keep torturing myself with thoughts like this. I can't just keep staring out the window, into my   
own reflection, into the dark, hoping she'll show up. Hoping Max'll come creeping in through the skylight,   
or picking the lock on my door, like she always does. Hoping for another little moment of her company.   
Another blessed respite from the loneliness that is my life without her.  
  
I program the stereo to play an audio file from the database at random, realizing this is a mistake as an old   
love song starts to play. The last thing I need right now is a love song.   
  
But I let it play. And I continue to sit here, staring out the window, listening to the words.  
  
"Forgetting all I'm lacking  
  
Completely incomplete…"  
  
Max does that for me. She frees me from myself. From the broken marriage in my past and the broken   
body I'll have to deal with far into the foreseeable future. She makes me forget, if only for a moment at a   
time, about the men who gave their lives working for me. About my family and how broken it is, in a way;   
about how I'm unable to fix it.   
  
She forgets the fact that I'm too damned stubborn for my own good. That I'm moody and that I can't open   
up to people and that I'm just a man. A human. I fight my own little war against the world every day, but   
I'm no soldier. Not like Zack. I'm not Zack. I'm not that strong. I can't just walk away from something   
as easily as he can. When I'm involved in something, I can't let go or move on or let anyone else in.   
  
"I'll take your invitation  
  
You take all of me…"  
  
How can I resist Max? She's so young, and beautiful, and strong. How can I resist what she does to me?   
Why would I want to?  
  
Besides, there's nothing left in me to resist. She's stolen it all. My heart, my mind, my soul.   
  
She's taken it all, with those big, brown eyes of hers and her ability to make me feel complete.  
  
  
"I'm falling even more in love with you  
letting go of all I've held onto   
I'm standing here until you make me move  
I'm hanging by a moment here with you…  
  
I'm living for the only thing I know…"  
  
I love you, Max. I can't not love you. You were my baby sister once. Now you're the love of my life.   
And maybe I should think that's wrong, but I can't. I can't not love you. It's all I've ever done, is love   
you. It's all I can do.   
  
"I'm running, not quite sure where to go..."  
  
I love Zack. How can I not? He was prepared to give up everything he is for me. And I'd give the same   
for him. He deserves it. But so does Logan. He spends his whole life risking it for others. I love Zack   
because he knows who I am; where I come from, because he's the same. But I love Logan, too, because he   
doesn't know – how could he? And he accepts me anyhow.  
  
"And I don't know what I'm stepping into…"  
  
Sometimes I think it's all just a dream. This mysterious angel, in my arms, telling me she loves me, letting   
me love her. Then she leaves, and I know she's going to see him. Zack. What does that mean? Does she   
love me? Does she tell him that she loves him, too? I ask her, and she evades the question, but I know. I   
can see it in her eyes. What does that mean for me? For our future together? Do we even have one?  
  
Sometimes I think I'm just imagining it all. One of those mind games Manticore used to love to play on us.   
It's just too good to be true, loving Max, her letting me love her, her telling me she loves me, she wants me,   
she needs me. Then she leaves, and I know she's going to see Logan. What does that mean? I know she   
loves me. I know it. But she loves him, too. I can tell. I don't ask – maybe I'm afraid to. But I can tell.   
What does that mean for us? For our future together? Do we have one?  
  
"There's nothing else to lose"  
  
I don't know if we have a future, Maxie. We live our lives on the run, borrowing time that Manticore   
would deny us. We live our lives by moments. The moments I spend with you are the only ones that   
matter. The only things that matter. My moments with you are worth more than life, than freedom, even.   
That's why I was prepared to give all of that up for you. I'd still do it if I had to. To keep from losing you.   
I stay here to keep from losing you. I risk everything else just to keep from losing you. Because you're the   
only thing I have worth losing.  
  
"There's nothing else to find"  
  
I view the day we met as the most important day in my life, did you know that, Max? Like that day was the   
beginning of my life. Maybe that sounds silly to you – I don't know. Guess it's the mediocre poet inside   
of me, but that's how I feel. I've never met anyone like you. I never will. I never want to. I want us to   
grow old together, Max. The whole, old ideal: a house, and kids. The proverbial white picket fence. I   
want to tell our grandkids we met when you were trying to burglar me. I want to see a bottle of triptophan   
in my medicine cabinet, a black Ninja parked in my living room. No one can give me that. No one else   
can make me feel like you do. Nothing else can give me the hope that you do. That hope that maybe this   
world really is worth fighting a war for. Because you're in it with me.  
  
"There's nothing in this world  
that can change my mind…"  
  
I can't do it. I can't chose. I can't turn away from what we've found together, Logan. But I can't turn   
away from Zack again, either. I can't leave Logan now, Zack. But I can't handle the thought of you   
leaving me, either.  
  
"There is nothing else…"  
  
I guess, really, none of it matters. What I might lose by being with you. What's happened in the past;   
whether or not we have a future. None of it really matters when I'm with you. Logan doesn't matter when   
I'm with you.  
  
"There is nothing else…"  
  
When I'm with you, Max, the whole broken world disappears. And everyone and everything else in it   
disappears, too. Including Zack.  
  
"There is nothing else."  
  
I can't imagine it any other way. I can't imagine a life without both Logan and Zack in it. I just can't.  
  
"Desperate for changing  
  
starving for truth…"  
  
I want to be with her more. I don't want to know she's with him when she isn't with me. But I don't want   
to risk losing her completely. I want to know how she feels about both of us. Who she'd chose if she had   
to. But I'm afraid of the answer. I know she loves him. I know she needs him. I don't hate him, really. I   
know he does something for her I can't. Just as I know there are things I can give her that he can't. But is   
that enough?  
  
"closer to where I'm started..."  
  
No matter how much I think about it, I can't find a way out. I can't find a way to hurt either one of them   
without hurting us all.  
  
No matter how much I tell myself I should just leave – it's dangerous here for her; it's just making things   
worse by sticking around. She's got him. He'll take care of her. She'll take care of him. They need each   
other. No matter what I tell myself I can't make myself leave.  
  
No matter how much I tell myself I should just make her leave - that it's dangerous for her here, that I'm just   
making it worse by involving her in Eyes Only. She's got him. He'll take care of her. She'll take care of   
him. They need each other. But no matter what I tell myself, I can't make myself make her leave.  
  
"I'm chasing after you"  
  
After both of you.  
  
"I'm falling even more in love with you  
  
letting go of all I've held onto..."  
  
Duty. Discipline.  
  
The quiet little life I lived, alone, before you broke in that night.  
  
The promise I made that I'd never do something like this. I'd never participate in one of those twisted,   
little triangles like you see on trashy t.v. shows.  
  
"I'm standing here until you make me move..."  
  
And I'll be here as long as you let me, Maxie.  
  
I'll be here as long as you need me, Max.  
  
I'll be there for you as long as you want me there, Logan. And I'll be there for you as long as you allow it,   
Zack.  
  
  
"I'm hanging by a moment here with you  
  
I'm living for the only thing I know  
I'm running, not quite sure where to go  
And I don't know what I'm stepping into..."  
  
What the hell am I getting myself into? Letting myself fall in love with Maxie? Competing with someone   
like Logan?  
  
What the hell am I getting myself into? Falling in love with someone like Max? Competing with someone   
like Zack?  
  
What the hell am I doing to myself, letting this go on? What am I doing to all of us?  
  
"Just hanging by a moment here with you…  
  
Just hanging by a moment…  
  
hanging by a moment…  
hanging by a moment…  
hanging by a moment, here with you."  
  
The song ends, and I just keep sitting there, as another song begins to play.  
  
The song ends, and I get up and close the goddamned window. Sappy fucking love songs.  
  
The song ends, and I wait a moment before pressing the button and playing it again. And I just keep staring   
out the window. At my own reflection. Into the darkness of the night sky. Waiting for Max. Waiting for   
the next moment I'll get to spend with her.  
  
"Just hanging by a moment, here with you…"  



End file.
